On the Line Between
by Maidenstear
Summary: I don't hate you, but I don't love you, either. There is no room in my heart for either.


Aneko: Been getting back into Spiral lately. For me it's one of those stories that waxes and wanes within my peripheral vision, but is something that I always admire for what it is.

OMG I HATE THIS TITLE IT IS TERRIBLE! :( But I couldn't think of ANYTHING else…

Disclaimer: I don't own Spiral: The Bonds of Reasoning. I don't have the kind of brain that could think up a plotline like that, or the art skills to draw a fifteen volume manga (let alone a one volume…or one chapter).

Btdubs, this one shot is just a whole lot of talking. so if you like action, not gabbing, you'll probably want to go read something else…

* * *

**On the Line Between **

When he stepped out of the car and looked up at the hospital, he let out a heavy sigh. This trip had already been put off for too long, and it had only been at the persuasion (threatening) of Madoka that he had come at all. "_It's almost as if you're scared to go see him,_" she had said, to which he picked up his keys and went to get in the car.

The nurse at the front was on the phone, but she saw him coming and just waved him through. Most of the doctors and nurses had seen him so often by now that his presence went unquestioned.

And yet he had never visited the one patient he had set it all up for.

Maybe it was guilt.

Whatever it was, he pushed the door open without hesitation.

He was surprised to see the bed was empty. Scanning the room, he saw Ayumu sitting in a chair by the window, a book open in his hands.

"Shouldn't you be resting?"

Ayumu looked up and saw him standing in the doorway. He shut his book. "You make me sound like an old man."

"You are in the hospital for a reason."

Ayumu crossed his arms and looked out the window. "I'm not that pitiful. Not yet, at least. So don't expect me to lie around all day doing nothing. I get restless. Anyways," he looked back at him. "I was wondering when you'd get around to visiting, Aniki."

He shrugged. "I've been busy, you know. Because of a certain someone, I've had my hands full dealing with those surrounding the blade children. It's hard getting all of them to shut up and listen."

"If my logic prevails, the trouble you're going to will be worth it."

He shook his head. "It's not certain that it will. So many things could go wrong with that."

"Many things worth achieving aren't the easiest to reach. Don't you know that?"

He looked out the window. "Lately I'm finding out that there are lots of things I don't know."

Ayumu shook his head, pushing himself to his feet. "Just because we came to different conclusions, it doesn't mean you couldn't see all the facts. You just didn't see the possibility that I did. You thought that darkness and death was the only way to deal with the Blade children."

"It was the most sensible way."

"It was. If you _don't_ take into account the human heart. But it ends up being the driving force behind so many different things that it shouldn't be ignored."

"I thought you didn't believe in anything?"

"I don't. Like I told you, all I have is my logic, the desire to live, and the hope that what I'm doing will be the right path. And if you have hope, there is always a chance. That's what the blade children really needed to be taught."

"So the whole time, it was my belief versus your hope? Perhaps from the beginning, I was never going to win."

Ayumu grabbed crutches that leaned against the wall next to him, using them to limp his way over to the bed. With ease that comes from practice, he lowered himself onto the bed. He folded his hands together and smiled up at Narumi Kiyotaka.

"Are you still wondering, Aniki? About how I managed not to kill you?"

Kiyotaka crossed his arms. "By my logic, you were supposed to become so cornered and enraged that you would want to kill me."

"Oh, I did."

"You had remarkable control then."

"Well…not really." Ayumu took a deep breath. "Just for a little while, Aniki…I really thought…that I was going to."

"What, then? What made you stop?"

Outside, a cloud covered the sun, and the room became shadowy.

"This is your punishment, Aniki. You will live. For years, many, many years, you will continue to live your life. You will live, until you have lived a life long and full enough that it stands for all the people that have died because of the decisions that you made. You will live until you _want_ to live, until you realize that you have too much in your life to leave behind, and the idea of death is a terrifying thing."

Kiyotaka sighed. "So even you can be cruel."

"To be honest, I still want to kill you. But I won't. In this life," Ayumu looked out the window. "You are not allowed to get what you want."

"I'm not surprised that you would still hate me after everything I've done." Kiyotaka sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"I don't hate you." Ayumu's voice was soft.

Kiyotaka raised an eyebrow. "Really? I would think that holding me to life like this would imply that you do."

Ayumu smiled, an empty and meaningless expression. "I don't hate you. I cannot have room in my heart for hatred. If I hate you, then it will consume me until there is nothing left, and that…" Ayumu looked down at his hands. One had started becoming weaker than the other in the past week. "…I wouldn't be able to stand that. I would be completely lost. How can I get lost when I promised the Blade Children so much? If I hated you, I would want to kill you, and you are not allowed to die."

Kiyotaka stared at him. "But like this…you're punishing yourself too, aren't you?"

Ayumu gave a weak chuckle. "I must become the unfortunate one, remember? For them to have even a little hope that they can overcome the destruction that has been decided for them by others, I need to become living proof that it's possible. That "fate" and "destiny" aren't things that shackle them down to the end."

"If you desire my death, I still don't see why you should force yourself to keep from killing me. I am the criminal that deserves to die."

"You are the criminal who "deserves" to live. You _had_ the chance, Aniki—to let go of your loneliness and hold onto other people. The problem might have been that you just didn't know how to do that, so maybe I should pity you? But I can't. The fact is that you didn't try your hardest to fight your way out of the loneliness you carried and see that there was light, that there were people around you who were waiting for you. Three strikes you're out, they say. And you're all out of strikes. So make sure that you put forth all your effort until you're completely out of the game. You owe it to those who were sacrificed for that circular destiny that you wanted so much. Live the life that was stolen from them—from Kanon, Hizumi, and even Yaiba." Kiyotaka flinched at the name.

Kiyotaka sighed. "Your logic is so different than what I predicted it would be. How in the world could it have ended up this way?"

"Well that's easy." Ayumu pulled the bed sheet over his legs, smoothing out the wrinkles. "It's because I've always been behind you. Think, Aniki. Was there ever a time when I came before you in anything that we did? No. All that you knew was how you yourself acted."

"To be fair, you are my clone. Everything about us was so alike that my theory wasn't an impossibility. I had reason to think that things would turn out as they did."

"You're right. Only I wasn't as like you as you thought." Ayumu chuckled. "So I suppose that in a way, there were advantages to being behind you. Now I have a question for you, Aniki. Do _you_ hate _me_?"

"No, of course not."

"Ah, but you don't love me either."

"I could say the same thing to you."

"That's true," Ayumu said, leaning back into his pillow. "Just as I have no room for hatred, I also have no room for love."

"That sounds like an unfulfilling lifestyle."

"Like you can talk. You acted the same way, even though you had mother, and father, and Madoka."

He looked out the window, so he didn't have to meet Ayumu's unblinking stare. "I was fighting Yaiba."

"No, not then. Before that. Before you met Yaiba. Before your fingers were broken on the piano keyboard."

"Ah."

"You were never as alone as you thought you were, but you acted like it. For not loving what you had…"

"Is that what it comes down to?"

"That's what it seems like."

He kept staring out the window. "Would saying 'I'm sorry' feel too contrived?"

Ayumu's chuckle was warm. It sounded like he was almost smiling. "No."

Kiyotaka turned from the window, and lowered his head slightly. "Then I'm sorry."

Ayumu gave a little chuckle again. "Go home, Aniki. Spend time with Madoka."

He straightened up. "Alright. Before I go, is there anything I can do for you?"

Ayumu shrugged. "I have everything I could want, really. The only thing I really want is a piano, but I can't have that, can I?"

"I suppose not."

"Well then, you should go."

"Yes." He headed for the door, but stopped with his hand on the handle. "I'll come back to visit again soon."

Ayumu smiled. "Please do."

Kiyotaka walked silently down the hall. As he left the building and headed to his car, he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, dialing the number he'd had for years.

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a piano."

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Aneko: Yeah, it's weird. No brotherly love here. In other words, I wrote this fiction because I hate Kiyotaka's guts. The gist of what Ayumu is saying is "You had everything you could want, and people who loved you, but you had the nerve to feel self-righteous and 'alone' when you really want, so shut up and live like an adult.

I suppose they "reconcile" here. But they don't really. I will always hate Kiyotaka, I think…


End file.
